While there are many books about parenting children with special needs, few offer information or ideas about what parents need to take care of themselves. In order to care well for our children, we need to make time for our own well-being.

Not What I Expected: Help and Hope for Parents of Atypical Children by Rita Eichenstein helps parents understand what they are feeling and work through the process of building a mentally and emotionally healthy life for themselves and their families.

This book is recommended for parents, clinicians and medical professionals, and those who care about families of children with special needs.

The Stages of Grief

Discovering that your child has a diagnosed disability is the beginning of an emotional process in learning and problem-solving. It is normal to go through the stages of grief when making this discovery.

The stages of grief include:

• denial
• anger
• bargaining
• depression
• acceptance

Many people assume that people should move through the earlier stages as quickly as possible to be best able to function and help their child. However, each stage has strengths, and each stage helps the griever to work through the steps they need to take.

For example, denial and anger are often seen as unproductive, or a block to finding help, but denial also protects us from the intensity of our emotions so that we can make a plan, and anger can give us the impetus we need to make changes.

Dr. Eichenstein draws from sources such as brain research to unpack the purpose and healthy expression of each stage, while discussing what might keep someone stuck in a stage in a less healthy way. She also points out that working through the stages doesn’t always happen in order. As we heal and grow and encounter new stages in family life, we may move back and forth through these stages.

Finding Compassion for Yourself

 The author concludes with a chapter on proactive choices parents can make to help themselves towards wholeness, healing, and compassion. 

“The truth of this book and the truth of your journey from diagnosis to acceptance is that unless you acknowledge your own vulnerability and develop your ability for self-compassion, your growth as a parent will not fully be complete. Guilt and self-blame are heavy stones in your boat as you row down this river. Compassion for yourself is wind in your sails.” (p. 217)

We are not alone in our journey towards acceptance and gratitude for what we have. A supportive social network, whether it’s family, friends, a faith community, cultural supports, or others is important for every family.

Conclusion

Parenting children with disabilities is a life-changing challenge, but as the author points out, children make life richer and help us grow in ways we may never have imagined.